Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
