I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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