I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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