pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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