'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
