I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Houston, we have a squirter
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
