I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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