we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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