My room smells like vodka and shame
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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