It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
