Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
no, he came in my armpit
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
