Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
