Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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