hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
