When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
