My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
