Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
FUCK WHALES
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