Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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