Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Randomize
