i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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