I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize