if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
