okay pat passed out under dana's car
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
