I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
