U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
