I just cut my nipple shaving
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
