he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
