she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
