Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Randomize