My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
