I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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