thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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