I'm eating all of the evidence.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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