Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
