People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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