i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
P.S. I can't hear my feet
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
