Where are you?
In a non slutty way
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
