I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
