I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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