Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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