Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
