she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
