it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
