You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize