i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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