I'm gonna have a badass scar
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
