She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
