It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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