i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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