I'm gonna have a badass scar
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
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