before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
