I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
It's shark week go big or go home
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
