i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize