So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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