i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
operation have a gay friend backfired
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
