This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
