hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
True strength comes from lack of pants
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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